Understanding High-Conflict Personalities: The Limits of Healthy Communication

Written by Ashton Ross

We often hear that the key to any healthy relationship is good communication. “Use ‘I’ statements,” “Be calm,” “Listen to understand, not respond.” And for most relationships, these tools and conventional wisdom really do help.

But if you’ve ever tried using healthy communication skills with someone who constantly blames, deflects, weaponizes your words, or escalates when you try to stay calm, you’ve probably realized something important:

Healthy communication only works when both people are interested in understanding each other.

Good communication and conflict-resolution strategies that work with reasonable people simply don’t work with unreasonable ones, so different approaches are required.

The Myth of “If I Just Communicate Better...”

Many people in high-conflict relationships, whether with a partner, parent, co-worker, or family member, internalize the belief that if they could just say things the right way, the other person would finally hear them.

But with chronically defensive, antagonistic personalities, emotionally immature personalities, or outright unreasonable people, communication isn’t about connection, it’s about control.

When one person is using communication as a weapon whether to shame, confuse, or “win”, healthy strategies like a calm tone, empathy, or validation can actually backfire. These responses can be misused as opportunities to:

• Deflect responsibility (“See, even you admit it’s your fault.”)

• Manipulate emotions (“If you really cared, you wouldn’t say that.”)

• Escalate conflict when calmness threatens their sense of power.

In these moments, your attempts at repair are not met with curiosity, rather they’re met with defensiveness, attack, or deflection. 

The Problem Isn’t You, It’s the Dynamic

When you’re with someone antagonistic or high-conflict, the normal rules of communication don’t apply. You can be clear, calm, and kind, and they may still twist your words, deny your experience, or accuse you of overreacting. 

This isn’t because you failed to communicate effectively. It’s because you’re interacting with someone who has pervasive impairments in their abilities to handle interpersonal challenges effectively and safely.  

Healthy communication assumes that both people can access:

• Humility – the ability to acknowledge our potential personal wrongness  

• Self-Awareness – enables us to observe our short-comings and potential personal wrongness  

• Responsibility – allows us to take ownership over wrongdoings, mistakes, and be bothered by personal faults 

• Empathy – the capacity to care when our words or actions cause someone else pain. It allows us to recognize the impact we have on others and to use that awareness to guide how we respond and behave

• Reliability – the ability to recognize when we’re wrong and take steps to make it right. It allows us to see our own flaws and motivates us to change.

Healthy communication depends on mutual emotional safety, a shared willingness to reflect, repair, and take accountability. Without that foundation, your words fall into a void or get turned against you.

What to Do Instead

If you find yourself in this dynamic, where this persistent pattern leads to a consistent destructive effect, the goal shifts from “communicating better” to protecting your peace and clarity.
Here are a few steps to consider:

1. Disengage.
   Reacting emotionally often fuels high-conflict dynamics. Aim to speak calmly and factually rather than with frustration or intensity. Don’t engage in the power struggle. 

2. Shift from convincing to observing.
   Instead of trying to get them to understand, focus on noticing patterns. Ask yourself, “What happens when I try to express myself?” The pattern itself tells you more than their words ever will. Patterns reveal truth, even when the person denies it.

3. Set clear boundaries, not explanations.
   Boundaries aren’t negotiations. Politely excuse yourself from conversations. You don’t owe endless justifications for your limits, a simple, calm “I’m not available for this conversation when you’re yelling” is enough. Leaving the conversation isn’t being avoidant; it’s being wise.

4. Stop over-functioning.
   If you’re constantly trying to regulate the other person’s emotions, you may be abandoning your own. Step back and let their reaction be theirs.

5. Validate yourself first.
   When dealing with an antagonistic personality, internal validation is crucial. Practice reminding yourself: “My feelings are valid, even if they refuse to see them.”

6. Don’t expect reasonableness.
   Trying to reason with an unreasonable person only fuels the cycle. Their aim is not resolution, but to keep you emotionally hooked in the struggle. 

7. Seek support.
   High-conflict dynamics can leave you doubting your own reality. Therapy can help you rebuild trust in your perceptions and develop strategies for disengaging safely.

The Bottom Line

Healthy communication is powerful, but only when both people are committed to respect, empathy, and accountability. When one person thrives on chaos or control, clarity and boundaries become your best communication tools.

You can’t heal a relationship that depends on misunderstanding you. But you can heal yourself by stepping out of the cycle and learning that sometimes, the healthiest response is sometimes not more communication, but stronger boundaries, less engagement, and deeper self-trust.

If you’re looking to heal from narcissistic abuse or relationship trauma, I can help! I specialize in helping people heal from toxic, dysfunctional, and relational conflict. If something in these words resonates, I invite you to reach out and contact me today about working together towards healing and wholeness. 

Written by Ashton Ross - Email - ashtonrosscounseling@gmail.com Phone 615-208-2230

References:

Godwin, A. (2008). How to solve your people problems: Dealing with your difficult relationships. Harvest House Publishers.